What I do all day long

No, it's not 'nothing'. Here's an intimate look at my daily schedule

I do not work here. Wouldn’t that be glamorous? Photo by Marco Lenti on Unsplash.

Right now, I’m a freelance writer. And freelancers joke about being ‘self-unemployed’ (oh my aching sides!), but often we work more than those who do a 9-5. This is partly because we can work anytime, but also because freelancing is an insecure existence: no sick pay, no holiday pay, no pension, no money, no hope, no joy… ahem.

However, deadlines aside, we do often have the freedom to schedule our days as we see fit. For me, every day is different, but I thought you might find it interesting to read about a typical day in my life. What’s that, you “don’t find it interesting” and I should “find something else to write about”? Tchuh.

I do my ablutions

Maybe don’t take a bath with the blind up? Photo by Backbone Visuals on Unsplash.

You’re like “Duh, Ari, of course you wash! That’s what everybody does in the morning.” Fair enough, but did you know that ABLUTIONS is an anagram of USAIN BOLT? Though I don’t do my ablutions in record time.

First of all I have a wazz, because I’m about to weigh myself and I don’t want a full bladder adding to the weight. Then I soap and rinse under my arms and use my Deodorant Which Broke. It’s from Wild, and their cases are faulty. They kept sending me replacements when I moaned at them, but the replacements broke too. So now I just use the ever-dwindling lumps of white deodorant without a case.

I wash my face with Micellar water cleanser. I accidentally bought the wrong ones which don’t smell of anything, which I hate, but I now have five bottles to use up before I can buy the rose-scented ones again.

Then I slather on my SPF50 sunscreen, so I don’t look old when I’m old, and brush my teeth with my electric toothbrush.

On special occasions, I even shower. Because I am a classy lady.

I do my video weigh-in

Yeah… it’s not quite this cinematic. Photo by Donovan Silva on Unsplash.

If you’re one of my Twitter followers, you’ll have seen that I do a video weigh-in each morning. This is because I need to be publicly shamed into losing weight. If I don’t weigh in every day and let the world monitor me, what’s to stop me from having that juicy KFC or McDonald’s?

I mean, I’m still free to have them - no one’s going to bust into my house and yell “Step away from the food!” - but I am a very needy person and want to impress my followers. I am constantly fighting the battle of Wanting to Be Slim vs Wanting to Stuff My Face, and this seems to tip the scales in favour of the former (pun fully intended).

And then nice internet people, some of whom I know, post encouraging things under the video, and I feel my resolve strengthen.

I rumbled them the other day though: they don’t actually watch the videos! I said in one, “If you’ve actually watched this, leave a comment below saying ‘I watched the video.’” 12 people liked the tweet with the video in - and only two commented!

I make and drink a cup of green tea

Mine is bog-standard with no leaves. This is fancy! Photo by Jia Ye on Unsplash.

Yes, it tastes like a mixture of urine and dishwater (not that I’ve tried either… or have I?!) but green tea is the elixir of life, so I drink loads of it. Have I bored you with The Study before? Basically there was a study which followed 100,000 Chinese people for decades, and they discovered that the people who drank three cups of green tea a week lived 1.5 years longer than those who drank none. Bonzer.

Now, I don’t know if you can extrapolate from that and say people who drink 30 cups a week will live 15 years longer. But I genuinely do drink about 30 cups a week right now, so I’m willing to be a test subject. Drinking green tea isn’t much fun, but I don’t hate it. And also, drinking five cups a day speeds up your metabolism and burns an extra 70 calories, as well as reducing your chances of cancer, heart disease and stroke. Go and buy some now, what are you waiting for?! Pro tip: Jasmine has a nicer, more delicate flavour than your common-or-garden green tea.

While I’m in the kitchen, I might also have my first protein pot of five a day, and will take my multivitamins. I also pop an extra Vitamin D, because I am brown, yo.

I complete all the New York Times puzzles

Just after Christmas, the New York Times offered me a 50p-a-week subscription for six months, so this was my Christmas present to myself.

I spend around an hour in the morning completing all the puzzles. But I usually have trouble with the big crossword, because sometimes it’s very American and asks about state capitals or NFL athletes. Oh, and I only do the Easy Sudoku, because I have no idea how to do the other versions. There just aren’t enough numbers!

The day doesn’t start until I’ve tried my best to finish these, and usually I manage everything but the crossword (which my fellow atheist friend

Hemant Mehta

sometimes sets! How cool is that?)