Trans debates, my sister and celeb encounters

On knowing JK Rowling and Graham Linehan a little, and being pro-trans

Look, I don’t have any photos of my sister, so here’s one of me instead. Not a very recent photo, I have to say.

If I had any sense, I wouldn’t be writing this post. Because the trans debate is one of the most explosive arguments out there. It’s like watching molten lava run out of a volcano: fascinating to gawk at, but you really don’t want to dip a toe in, and anyone who does gets burnt.

While we can all agree that we don’t want to get in the way of an erupting volcano, there’s zero consensus on trans issues. You’re either in favour of trans people having basic human rights (like the right for trans women to use women’s toilets, be housed in women’s prisons and compete in women’s categories in sports) or think these rights clash with cis women’s existing rights.

Put simply, you’re either pro-trans or gender critical (GC).

But also: add a whole vat of toxicity to the mix. No, not enough toxicity! More toxicity please. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Some of you may be unfamiliar with the debates. Lucky you! But also: where is this rock you’ve been living under, and does it have space for another inhabitant?

Even this vat isn’t big enough for all the toxicity. Photo by Crystal Kwok on Unsplash.

More toxic than a 2003 Britney anthem

Honestly, sometimes I’ll be reading the two sides arguing on Twitter (no, I’m not calling it X), feeling like my angry American dad when I was fighting with my little sister: “Knock it off or I’ll knock your heads together!”

Here’s an example of how these debates go at their most vicious:

GC: *misgenders a trans woman on purpose and laughs at how they look*

Pro-trans: You’re an evil hateful bigot, why don’t you just die?

GC: Oh I see, you’re clearly okay with women being raped by these autogynephiliac perverts

Pro-trans: Well in your case, you deserve to be raped!

As the meme goes: that escalated quickly.

The horrendous nature of these flame wars can perhaps be best illustrated by the following:

Magdalen Berns, a trans-exclusionary feminist, tweeted to trans women: “You are fucking blackface actors. You aren’t women. You’re men who get sexual kicks from being treated like women. Fuck you and your dirty fucking perversions. Our oppression isn’t a fetish you pathetic, sick, fuck.”

Berns later died from a brain tumour. On hearing of her death, trans woman cyclist Rachel McKinnon tweeted, “It’s okay to be happy, even celebrate, when bad people die.”

For maybe five years, I’ve taken an unedifying interest in these debates on The Platform Formerly Known as Twitter. I’m ashamed to say the drama was compelling, in much the same way as a car crash. (Perhaps I should have stuck to watching Celebs Go Dating instead.)

As a cis woman, I don’t feel the rights of trans people are remotely in conflict with my own rights. And some of the GC arguments are just plain crazy: in what world are cis men doing full hair and makeup in order to appear as trans women and assault cis women in Ladies’ toilets, which they can get into anyway?!

No cis men are dressing as Britney to get into Ladies’ toilets and assault women. They just aren’t. Photo by Rhys Adams on Flickr.

Newsflash: most women aren’t remotely fussed who comes into our toilets, because there are cubicles. I regularly enter toilets when there are male cleaners mopping the floor.

And you never hear any protests about unisex toilets. Hmm, funny that.

These debates have consequences: the suicide rate among trans people is incredibly high, often due to lack of acceptance from the wider world. Horrifyingly, 31% of trans people in India die by suicide and 81% of trans adults in the US have contemplated suicide compared to 35% of cis adults. I have never heard of a GC committing suicide due to anything related to trans people.

And I do frequently feel like asking GCs: how would this issue be affecting your own life personally if you stopped banging on about it? Because the answer is invariably: it wouldn’t.

But despite being an advocate for trans rights, I have to admit that both sides are equally hideous to each other on Twitter. There’s no room for nuance or kindness, both of which are hugely needed in this debate.

I don’t want to ally myself with the same people who make rape and death threats. Hell no. At the same time, they’re often provoked by the heartless, senselessly cruel treatment of a vulnerable minority, though that’s a poor excuse for threatening a woman’s life or safety.

And, because there’s absolutely no diplomacy and zero respect accorded to either side by the other, I initially chose to take a vow of silence (possibly the first time I’ve ever been dignified in my life. I am not the sort of person one associates with the word dignity).

Also, I am a coward and genuinely hate arguments. But most of the above people thrive on them, because they feel they’re defending either the trans community or cis women.

So, very quietly, I would like or retweet the odd post in support of trans people. And, in July, I came out as pro-trans on Twitter in a diplomatic way, in response to an anonymous message. When a few GC people challenged me in response to another tweet on gender, I said, “We’re not going to agree on this, and that’s fine.”

Occasionally I would argue in person about trans issues with my friend James, who is gender-critical.

But generally, I kept my opinions under the parapet. I need a hole in the head about as much as the Sugababes.

And then my sister Edie came out as trans, and I kind of… changed. I put my pronouns in my bios and came out as pro-trans. Maybe that was because, for the first time in my life, I knew a trans woman extremely well and felt protective over them and defensive of them. I had skin in the game. (I don’t actually have any of Edie’s skin. I'm not Hannibal Lecter.)

If I were at a trans rally, I’d be happy to attend but would probably hide behind this. Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash.

But first: celebrity weirdness!

You’d be forgiven for thinking I’m a right name-dropper after this section. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, these celebrities are impressive, even if you hate them - which I don’t. I don’t waste my time on hating anyone, let alone people who have never hurt me personally. (Though there are definitely people I wouldn’t shed a tear for if they fell down a ravine and were eaten by hyenas.)

Simply and coincidentally, I have a history of knowing gender-critical celebrities a tiny bit before they came out as GC - JK Rowling and Graham Linehan among them.

It’s ironic, because I often think the gender-critical movement don’t like trans people because they don’t know any personally. In the same way as the Brexit vote was strongest in rural UK regions which were whiter than a polar bear covered in Tipp-Ex. The less familiar you are with a minority, the easier they are to fear.

And the same can be true in reverse for pro-trans people and GCs - they think all GCs are terrible people when they’re mostly not. They’re just stubbornly blinkered on this one issue.

I’m not trying to be the Kofi Annan of the trans debate and broker some kind of peace deal here, but knowing a dozen GCs made me realise they are simply people with views I don’t agree with. Some of these views are expressed hatefully and belong in the bin, the bin needs to be set on fire, the fire needs to be extinguished by a hunky fireman and we can all watch. But they’re still human beings with a good side, and 99% of people have a good side.

My date with Graham Linehan

Graham in 2013, before becoming gender critical. Photo by re:publica from Germany, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

Fun fact: Graham and I went on a date when I was 20 and he was 32, after he responded to a personals ad I placed in Time Out.