How I made politics sexy

It's Polling Day tomorrow, so here's how I once turned a political campaign car into a sex line

Good old Sadiq, who is only a smidge taller than me. Photo by US Embassy London.

Tomorrow is Polling Day here in London, where we’re all voting for London Mayor. I say ‘we’re all voting’, but only 42.2% of Londoners voted in the last mayoral elections. The rest clearly preferred to sit on their bums eating jellied eels and watching EastEnders, rather than haul their lazy asses down to the nearest primary school and put a tick in a box.

Labour’s Sadiq Khan has been Mayor for two terms, since 2016. I knew a boy at school called Sadiq, and all the mean kids called him Sad Dick, but luckily that hasn’t happened with Khan.

He is almost definitely going to win a third term, but if all lefties take that for granted and stay home, then he won’t. Instead, the embarrassing Tory Susan Hall from Pinner will represent us. I lived in Pinner from the age of eight and am mortified to share a second hometown with her.

I’d rather voters haul their asses than Hall their asses. Photo by Jeremy Selwyn for the Evening Standard.

But she’s not the worst candidate. There is also Howard Cox. Imagine the poor man’s schooldays: ‘Howard Cox feel inside your mouth?’, etc. Amusingly, his website is Cox 4 London. Clearly, London wants Cox - the more Cox, the better.

Don’t feel too sorry for old Coxy though: he’s the Reform UK candidate and wants to scrap ULEZ, the Ultra-Low Emissions Zone. ULEZ requires polluting drivers to pay hefty fees to encourage them to switch to more environmentally-friendly vehicles. Howard you like breathing in smog all day?

Big Cox in my bed. That’s something I haven’t experienced for a while!

Then there’s the SDP’s Amy Gallagher, who wants us to ‘Stand Up To Woke’. But you have to be awake to stand up, Amy! You can’t stand up while you’re asleep, not unless you promise to sleepwalk - and what kind of campaign pledge is that?

Like Cox and Hall, Gallagher also wants to scrap ULEZ. ‘I am a Christian,’ she proclaims. Good for you. She also wants to ‘Make Criminals Scared Again’, like a MAGA slogan but more fearsome. Whatever happened to turning the other cheek?

Next there’s Afghan refugee Femy Amin, who has to be the most pulchritudinous mayoral candidate. She seems nice, too. Unfortunately she’s running for the Animal Welfare Party, which means zero chance of her deposit being returned. Still, it’s good for democracy to have candidates who care about their pledges despite not having a cat in hell’s chance of winning (sorry Femy, inappropriate analogy given your policies).

How I tried to make politics sexy