How to achieve your New Year's resolutions

I lost three stone last year. Here are my top tips for nailing your goals

This is like being in a rustic IKEA. Photo by Jungwoo Hong on Unsplash.

In 2023, I lost the weight of an entire Basset Hound from my body - three stone, 42lbs or 19kg. OK, so I put over a stone back on during Christmas, but I lost three stone in the first place, and that’s an achievement - right? Right?!

I’ll let you into my guilty secret: I absolutely love self-help books, inspirational quotes, self-development apps such as Blinkist and the hashtag #mondaymotivation. I even have a secret and private Instagram account where I follow life coaches, trying to glean wisdom and knowledge and absorb their positivity. I reckon it’s due to my Californian side.

As a born-and-bred Londoner, I know that positivity is not something we Brits do. When we’re asked how we are, we reply “Not bad” instead of “Great!” When we’re given a compliment such as “You look amazing”, we’re more likely to shrug it off with a self-deprecating “I’ve got eye bags” than say “Gee, thanks - you do too!”

And, much as I appreciate the humble British way, it’s not really much use when it comes to achieving wins. Slagging yourself off all the time, publicly and privately, might make you friends, but it won’t help you “slay the day away” (as my pre-teen daughter and her friends would say).

For that, you need self-belief, determination and the rest of this 3,000-word article. (Not the dog. You don’t need the dog.)

I don’t know what he was doing on my body in the first place, but I lost him. Photo by Apostolos Vamvouras on Unsplash.

First things first

If you’re like most people, your willpower is highest first thing in the morning, and it wanes throughout the day. The evening hours are always the most dangerous for dieters, as they’re when we typically think, “Fuck it, I’ll have a biscuit.” Then one biscuit turns into another, until suddenly we’ve wolfed down the whole 1,000-calorie pack and are covered in crumbs and guilt.

So: use this knowledge to your advantage. If your goal is fitness, hit the treadmill or weights when you wake up - don’t try to force yourself to exercise when you’re tired after a long day at work.

If your goal is to write a novel, get your word count done and dusted early in the day.

You can also avoid the evening - literally. I now go to bed early to avoid the temptation to snack. You can’t eat while you’re asleep!

A furry pussy between the sheets. Photo by Kate Stone Matheson on Unsplash.

Think SMART

I’m sure you’ve already heard of this, but it’s useful to remember. Basically, for you to nail a goal, it helps to be extremely specific about what you want to achieve. The ‘SMART’ acronym stands for all the things the goal should be: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-Bound.

For instance, take the framing of my main goal this year:

“I want to lose 89lbs, reach a dress size 8 and weight of 114lbs, regain my 27-inch waist and get back into my sexy blue Miss Sixty jeans by New Year’s Eve 2024.” (Yes, this is all extremely imperial. Sorry, metric fans - I am old!)

When I get back into my skinny jeans, I’ll look a lot more cheery than this. She looks like her STI test results have come back and it’s gonorrhoea. Photo by Kai Gabriel on Unsplash.

This is a much more specifically-defined goal than “I want to lose some weight”. It’s visual and colourful - I know how much weight I need to shed and in what time frame - and therefore my brain can zero in on it. I can picture myself looking svelte in those jeans. Hell, I can even look at and feel the denim every day - I can take the jeans out of my closet and stroke them if I want, though that might be a bit weird.