How online comments made me hate my neck

Wading into below-the-line toxicity is like injecting poison into your brain

This is not actually my neck. But it could be. Photo by Photoloord Anu on Unsplash.

Last month, I wrote a restaurant review for a newspaper, which featured a video of me eating food. I was complimentary about the food, as it was tasty. The comments online were quite something to behold. Here are some of the choicest:

"Holy crap, what is that swamp monster eating the garbage food?"

"Watching the overweight piggily devour sub-par food gives me agita."

"She's a big lass, that one."

"The disgusting way she gobbles her food fits his cooking style, no doubt."

"Ariane Sherine? The name of another grovelling sycophantic writer to avoid."

"Watching her eat was the most disgusting part of this."

"She needed to brush her tatty hair and tie it back before eating, UGH!"

"Looks like she eats a LOT of that stuff. I ain't taking her advice for nothing."

"Could she not have brushed her hair and maybe not eaten like a caveman for this?"

"I would hazard a guess that she eats a lot of takeaways."

"Food reviewer's on the heavy side and appears food-addicted. Sure she likes all food too much."

"She would be better off feeding from a trough."

I mean, I’m fat, but I’m not ‘Yo Mama’s so fat’ fat.

Let’s put this in context: I ate some food and wrote nice things about it. I then committed the social faux pas of Being Fat While Eating. You might think that would qualify me for the role of food reviewer, as I clearly love food, but no.

Now, I knew I would get criticism from commenters, and it didn’t really bother me. I found it quite amusing, especially the caveman comment. It wasn’t a big deal: after all, I can fix my table manners (not entirely convinced they need fixing, but hey) and I can certainly slim down. I got off lightly.

But what about the comments people can’t shrug off so easily, about issues they can’t fix?

They even come for queens

I wouldn’t recommend injecting urine into your face. Photo by Diana Polekhina on Unsplash.

Women can’t win - and most of the internet’s ire seems to be reserved for us. When female celebrities like Madonna have unsuccessful plastic surgery, commenters are all too happy to drag them for messing with their looks. Yet if they age naturally, they’ll talk about how ancient and past it they look, how they’ve ‘hit the wall’.

And God forbid Madonna should dress scantily or perform any sexual dance moves: comments like ‘Put it away, Grandma’ and vomit emojis abound. It’s sexist, ageist and cruel.

I mean, this is sodding Madonna we’re talking about - she’s a feminist icon! If she doesn’t look the way she used to, then so what? Humans are more than decorative accessories: we don’t exist to adorn the world. Kindness, decency, talent, intelligence, humour and character are far more important than looks.

Yet, on an article about Madonna, the commenters are their usual scathing selves, as though they’re all stunning supermodels. What do they say?