Dear Ariane,
You’re 11 right now. Your dad is physically violent and emotionally abusive; your mum is intensely critical, dislikes you, is disappointed in you, and your little sister is her clear favourite; your little sister and you hate each other and fight all the time.
At school, you’re severely bullied by the other girls: held down in the swimming pool, locked in a school locker, constantly told that you’re so ugly that no man will ever want to be with you. It’s hard to imagine right now that things will get better, because this is all you’ve ever known, but they will.
A note about your sister: be kinder to her and don’t take out your anger on her. She’s struggling - she knows she’s female, but her body is male and doesn’t match her gender, and right now everyone is oblivious and thinks of her as your brother. It is 1991, and most of society isn’t aware of trans people.
Your sister will be depressed and anxious her whole life, and will finally transition at the age of 39. She might not respond positively to your kindness, but at least you’ll have done the right thing and won’t feel guilty when you’re older.
Tell your dad right now what you’ll tell him in a year: that you’ll go to social services if he doesn’t stop hitting you. It will frighten him into stopping. Instead, he’ll go silent for between six months and a year each time he’s angry with you, or any member of your family. It’s still abuse, but it’s preferable to violence.
Tell your mum that she needs to let you wax your facial hair, because the kids at school rib you mercilessly about it, and you shouldn’t have to face bullying for something so easy to change.
Also: know and accept that your mum will never truly like you, whatever you do, or show you much love - but that this doesn’t mean you’re not likeable or worthy of love. This is the biggest lesson you have to learn: just because you’ve never experienced love, it doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t.
You won’t always be ugly. In five years, you will blossom and will win your hometown beauty contest if you enter.
Don’t enter. Focus on your studies instead.
Don’t worry about what the cruel bullies at school say. It matters to you deeply now, because they think you’re a loser, and that stings. It hurts to be the most unpopular and friendless kid at school, the kid who nobody wants to hang out with, who never gets invited to parties or sleepovers. But when you reach your twenties and go on Friends Reunited and Facebook, you will soon realise that your adult life is far more exciting, colourful, bright and luminous than theirs. You’ll be the biggest success in your year.
Also, you won’t hold onto your hatred of them. You’ll realise they were only kids.
So, aged 16, don’t throw a Coke can in a bully’s face and get expelled from sixth form. It’s a waste of good GCSEs. Carry on with your three A Levels and ace them.
You’ll develop depression when you’re 14. Don’t stop eating. It isn’t the answer to anything.
When you’re 15, you will meet a very smart, very sweet and studious boy who is perfect for you in so many ways, and you’ll date him on and off for the next seven years. He will be kind and gentle and funny, and you’ll experience a connection you won’t find again.
You won’t meet anyone better-suited to you in your life, and you’ll always wish you were still together, so don’t let him go. He will never be cruel or violent or abusive, and staying with him will mean you’ll avoid many of the problems you will otherwise face in your life. Be good to him.
Definitely don’t cheat on this boy just because he frequently tells you he fancies other girls. All boys fancy other girls; he’s just too callow to realise you shouldn’t tell your girlfriend or audibly rate her as less attractive than them.
The love this boy gives you will feel uncomfortable because it’s unfamiliar and you’ve never experienced love before, but don’t push him away repeatedly and tell him you hate him and that he should leave you. You won’t know why you’re doing that, but you have borderline personality disorder due to the trauma and abuse you experienced as a child, though you won’t discover this for sure until the age of 34, when you finally access your medical records.
At 16, don’t slash up your arms and legs with the blade of a pair of scissors. You don’t deserve this pain, and it won’t solve anything. It’ll just make you feel even more messed up. Instead, stick with the therapy you’ve just started. Be consistent and have decades of therapy sessions, so you can properly process all the trauma you’ve experienced.
Channel your anguish into writing more songs. You are talented at writing and producing songs, and you can sing. Pursue this dream and don’t get disheartened, because it’s far more likely to happen for you now as a teenager than when you next take it up aged 40.
Write novels, too, because you’re decent at that and you enjoy it - and don’t get disheartened by rejections. When JK Rowling’s literary agent Christopher Little wants to take you on at the age of 21, seize that offer and make the most of it instead of failing to send him the rest of your book.
Aged 17, don’t start belly dancing in clubs. It’s good money but the men are dangerous and you’ll get sexually assaulted around 300 times in total. You’ll shower after each night but it won’t take the dirty feeling away.
You are not at fault for any sexual assaults you experience, whatever you were wearing at the time. Only the men are culpable.
Don’t become a TV writer or a copywriter. You won’t enjoy either. Don’t perform stand-up comedy, either - the unsociable hours won’t suit you.
Don’t have sex with men who don’t love you and only want you for your body. It will make you feel used and worthless.
Don’t try to commit suicide by slashing your wrists or throwing yourself in front of a train. Feel the pain, sit with the pain and process it. The only way out is through. The saying is true: when it comes to mental illness, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
When you’re 22, if you ignore my advice not to do stand-up comedy, you may meet a very dark, messed-up guy over a decade older than you on the comedy circuit - the closest to evil you’ve ever encountered in humans. Avoid him - and whatever you do, do not fall in love with him. He will rape you, and sexually, emotionally and physically abuse you.
You will fall pregnant by him; he will violently attack you on holiday when you’re six weeks along, causing your ear to bleed and suffocating you, and you will have to have an abortion, which will be agony mentally and physically. Because he attacked you in France, you won’t be able to get justice back in the UK.
As a result of the attack, you will develop three more disorders: generalised anxiety disorder, paranoia and obsessive-compulsive disorder. For a long time, in your mind, everything and everyone you see will become a potential threat, and you won’t be able to enter enclosed spaces without feeling extreme fear. Every time a train stops in a tunnel, you will have a panic attack. You won’t take the Tube underground from 2005 to 2011.
Don’t start the Atheist Bus Campaign. You aren’t a strong enough person to deal with the hate mail you’ll receive from religious people, and this will eventually lead to a major nervous breakdown that will see you take a daily cocktail of meds for the rest of your life.
Because you never got pocket money as a kid, you’ll spend money like it’s water and be skint for most of your life. Save half of it instead. It’s very useful and will help at least a little in most situations.
You’re not meant to be a massage therapist or a nail technician or a petite fitting model or a belly dancer. You’re meant to be a singer-songwriter and a novelist. Don’t spread yourself too thin by doing other things instead, unless you really need the cash.
At 30, don’t take solace in food and self-soothe by binge-eating. The ensuing weight gain and shame will affect nearly a decade and a half of your life. You should be out there having fun at parties and meeting fascinating new people, but if you become obese, you often won’t have the confidence to leave the house.
Eat healthily even though you’d rather be eating pizza, exercise though you’d rather be lying in bed, see your friends when you’d rather stay in. You will be rewarded. Find good, kind, decent, reliable, honest and loyal people and surround yourself with them. Don’t be pathetically grateful that they’re willing to be your friend. You’re not at school anymore and there’s no reason why they wouldn’t be. Don’t let anyone take you for granted.
Read self-help and personal development books. Good ideas are invaluable. Develop a strong work ethic early on. Put in the effort and reap the rewards. Give back to people as much as, but not more than, they give you. Set boundaries and stick to them. Don’t be too open and approachable and soft, as people will take advantage of you.
Maintain minimal contact with your parents, if you must. But stay in touch with your sister and half-brother.
Most of all, don’t ever believe what your dad told you. You are not stupid or worthless, disgusting or revolting. You were only three years old when he began telling you that, and he was just taking out his pain from being abused by his own dad on you. He didn’t know how to break the chain, but if you have kids, you will.
It’s hard, because you feel like a bad person, but try to believe the truth: that you are instead a good person who has been through hell and survived. No one but you will ever completely understand what that involved or how profoundly it’s affected you, but that’s okay.
Healing will be lifelong work, but the main thing is: you’re still alive. And chances are that you’ll live at least another 70 years, in which you can experience all the fun, wonder, beauty and glorious things this world has to offer.
Never take life for granted. Be grateful for it.
You are lucky.
I was absolutely speechless reading that... and I still am.
It's probably why I always want to speak to you! You're such an amazing person. I'm just so sorry for what you've had to go through and some time, I'll compare the heartache I've experienced in my own life up to now...
(Unable to put heart emojis on here, sadly).
it's sad to read about how the Atheist bus campaign led to such a devastating effect. Perhaps some Christians need to spend more time reading their Bibles and remember how Jesus always spoke with grace and love!