119 reasons to have kids, part two

The second instalment of me answering a woman's reasons why she doesn't want kids

Lily aged six, after she’d attacked her poor unsuspecting fringe with a pair of blunt scissors.

Last week, I answered the first half of 119 reasons a woman called Ellie Gonsalves had put forward for not wanting kids. Today, I’m answering the other half - mostly humorously, because it’s quite fun. And also to provide balance and common sense, because most of the reasons are a bit ridiculous. Of course I’m not telling you to have kids! Here we go again…

60. You will have to brush nits out of your kids’ hair - then yours - then wash all the sheets in boiling water

Oh God. THE NITS. We must have contracted them maybe seven times. But of all the nasty diseases and conditions your kid could give you - Covid, chicken pox, measles, mumps, croup, and endless lingering colds - nits are genuinely the least bad. No doubt Ellie will list all the rest of the above maladies at some point, individually…

At least nits don’t make you feel horrible, aside from a little itching. The worst part is shelling out £8 on the spray (don’t tell me to just comb them with conditioner, it doesn’t work. Love, a mum who has tried endlessly).

I never did the sheets-in-boiling-water thing. Didn’t know I was supposed to. Nits can’t live on sheets, they can only live on the host. Maybe Ellie’s sheets are sentient?

I shall now look at all beds with horror and trepidation. Photo by Pickawood on Unsplash.

61. No sex for six weeks post-birth

Trust me, this will be the absolute last thing on your mind. You’ll have just had a baby! You’ll be working out how to breastfeed without its mouth feeling like a crocodile clip on your nipples. You’ll be sleep-deprived. People will want to visit and coo at the baby and hold it, until it burps up milk-sick all over their shoulders, at which point they will hand it back in disgust.

Making the beast with two backs is going to be the very last thing on your mind. If your partner suggests it, you’ll probably kick him in the goolies.

Ellie, preparing to kick her boyfriend in the nuts. Photo by Jason Briscoe on Unsplash.

62. Lots of people will fist you to see how dilated you are

Ellie, my dear, you make the birthing process sound like some kind of gang bang.

Only one man ‘fisted’ me to check how dilated I was, and he was a qualified doctor and not some kind of kinky fetishist.

Also, fortunately for me, I’d had an epidural, so I couldn’t even feel his hand.