Notes for my future boyfriend
I deleted my Bumble and Hinge profiles, so here's everything you need to know
Dear Future Boyfriend,
I'm not sure about romantic love anymore. So many men professed to love me when I was skinny and beautiful, and when I was fat and plain they were nowhere to be seen. So please be aware that I'm sceptical. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun and companionship and kindness and closeness. And it doesn’t mean I won’t trust you in time.
I’ve started this piece by lambasting men for being shallow, but it’s not true that looks don’t matter at all. There needs to be an element of physical attraction. That said, I’ve been out with plain guys who have been so funny and smart, their personalities shone and their looks weren’t important to me.
I hope that could happen with you too, and that you’ll be able to see past my protective layer of fat. It’s in place because so many bad things have happened to me.
You see, I used to be very pretty, and combined with an eager-to-please personality, a desperation to be liked and an abusive childhood behind me, that was a recipe for disaster. Men took advantage over and over again, sexually and physically and emotionally. After my first two abusive relationships, I began to self-soothe by binge-eating.
A friend told me about an analogy for men: ‘Imagine a box of Maltesers. They’re all covered in chocolate, but the centre of one in ten is shit. You know it’s only 10% of the box, but you’d be wary of all of them, wouldn’t you?’
That’s where I am now: wary of men in general. I know that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence, 1 in 5 will be raped, and that I am the 1 in both cases. I know that roughly 80% of violent offenders are male, compared to 20% of women. Often, it feels safer to be single.
As I say, I've been through a lot of things in relationships that mean I don't trust men easily anymore - including, on a much lesser scale to domestic violence and rape, my best friend of 20 years calling off our engagement after three days when he got cold feet, after telling me to post the happy news on Facebook.
Last year, I fell in love with a man who returned that love, then abruptly lost interest in me. I will never know why - perhaps it doesn’t matter - but that, too, has eroded my trust in guys. Why commit and give your love to someone who can just turn round and announce they don’t want it after all?
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